And then I get sick.
I have a problem with being sick, and I always have.
For me, being sick always starts with denial. Between the moment of perfect health and those subtle feelings of sickness that start to take over my body, I have this thought: "I never get sick. I should take some vitamin C right now though, just in case." And if those subtle feelings overtake my body at work, and I can't focus on the task at hand, I tell my boss, "I think I am getting sick." And she says, "you think?" And I say, "I...am getting sick."
And then when I do get home, and get settled in on the couch, I feel guilty being non-productive. You guys, I have a real problem. I automatically think that I am going to get fired (in school I automatically thought my teachers would hate me and assume I was slacking off).
But it is a cycle. And after the denial comes acceptance, and after the acceptance comes the confession and the submission. I realize that I do kind of like being in control, and I realize further that that feeling is a false comfort because I never was in control in the first place. So obvious, yet so difficult to grasp.
All that to say, I got sick last week and I couldn't help it. And I went through this cycle and came out of it all re-learning the same lesson I always learn when I get sick. (Eric got sick shortly after I did, but he handles it better.)
It can be discouraging: feeling like you are learning the same lessons over and over again.
Another memorable time things didn't go according to plan was a few years ago when Eric and I decided to take our engagement pictures at the Tidal Basin during the Cherry Blossom Festival. I was positive they would turn out exactly like this, so naturally I couldn't wait to see the results!
This was the only salvageable photo of the entire shoot:
And this captures that day best:
Unlike being sick, I was able to laugh this failed-photo-shoot off because in the end, these two pictures did capture our personalities better than any perfectly-timed photo under the boughs of cherry blossoms could (even if they weren't save-the-date-card-material).
The hard part about giving up control when I am sick is believing that it could possibly be for my good. And I'm pretty sure that is some kind of metaphor if there ever was one, and a problem I will just have to keep confessing. And now that I am feeling better, I am able to laugh at myself a little, for the record. :)
Are you a bad sick person? Or are you one of those people who can accept your fate gracefully? Do you consider yourself to be a control-freak?